---

---

Come,

Sit down, with Me,

She beckoned, demanded

Come!

---

Unable

Jaw tightening,

Vocal chords constricting

Paralysis seizing my being

Energy numb, frozen,

Her invite

Laced with all that I feared

---

No,

My whole said inside

No.

I can’t. I won’t

NO!

---

But then,

Doubt wavered in

Not of her

But of I

For my need,

my longing,

my uncertainty

Yearning to connect

To an Other,

An anchor

To this life

---

So No collapsed

And lost her footing

And watched something young,

With refusal,

Who couldn’t, wouldn’t listen

Walk forth

And sit,

despite No calling

---

And there was I,

Caught

Between compliance and violation

all at once,

Fossilised

For the child I was

Wanted to be held

In arms, in minds,

In hearts.

---

Great time has passed

Some wounds filled with care

Others still aching

For their attendance

Yet I will no longer quarrel

No longer insist,

Persist,

They change.

---

As I learn with my own sweet children

My child, inside, sweet and golden,

In her hurt, her pain,

Her woe

Requests my kindness

My gentle love, grace and guidance

Yes!

---

So I can keep banging

And scolding

And raging

When I can’t get in

To all that lies buried

But, it is of now

I realise, Yes

Now I may sit

With the torment,

And welcome the violence

That had long ago devoured

My organs

---

And the more I stay,

dropping down,

with quietness and presence,

yielding

The more I see

The anguish

And despair

Of the woman who bestowed

Upon me

Her deepest sorrow

The more I witness her own raging, petrified child

Within

---

The one that needed bearing,

Loving,

Beholding

Just like mine

---

Terror pervaded my cells

For the violence that haunted

this heritance

These long, uninhabited years

Yet for now,

I choose

to be with us, her and I,

Not run

But allow compassion,

Yes, instead

To flood

The horror

And fear of our legacy

For now, I can imagine

No other way

Illustration: John Bauer