Come,
Sit down, with Me,
She beckoned, demanded
Come!
Unable
Jaw tightening,
Vocal chords constricting
Paralysis seizing my being
Energy numb, frozen,
Her invite
Laced with all that I feared
No,
My whole said inside
No.
I can’t. I won’t
NO!
But then,
Doubt wavered in
Not of her
But of I
For my need,
my longing,
my uncertainty
Yearning to connect
To an Other,
An anchor
To this life
So No collapsed
And lost her footing
And watched something young,
With refusal,
Who couldn’t, wouldn’t listen
Walk forth
And sit,
despite No calling
And there was I,
Caught
Between compliance and violation
all at once,
Fossilised
For the child I was
Wanted to be held
In arms, in minds,
In hearts.
Great time has passed
Some wounds filled with care
Others still aching
For their attendance
Yet I will no longer quarrel
No longer insist,
Persist,
They change.
As I learn with my own sweet children
My child, inside, sweet and golden,
In her hurt, her pain,
Her woe
Requests my kindness
My gentle love, grace and guidance
Yes!
So I can keep banging
And scolding
And raging
When I can’t get in
To all that lies buried
But, it is of now
I realise, Yes
Now I may sit
With the torment,
And welcome the violence
That had long ago devoured
My organs
And the more I stay,
dropping down,
with quietness and presence,
yielding
The more I see
The anguish
And despair
Of the woman who bestowed
Upon me
Her deepest sorrow
The more I witness her own raging, petrified child
Within
The one that needed bearing,
Loving,
Beholding
Just like mine
Terror pervaded my cells
For the violence that haunted
this heritance
These long, uninhabited years
Yet for now,
I choose
to be with us, her and I,
Not run
But allow compassion,
Yes, instead
To flood
The horror
And fear of our legacy
For now, I can imagine
No other way
Illustration: John Bauer
