I have been working with my younger self this week. Not intentionally. But have felt her strong presence. Standing in the middle. Urging for fairness and equality. Blood fuming through her system. Knowing what she is experiencing around her is not right. Trying to use everything in her power to create balance. Learning what integrity is, and isn’t, from a very young age. Knowing the hurt from when words are not met with action. When words are twisted. When the truth is hidden.
She has been loud and present this week and I have so valued being with her. I have so valued being with her pain and sadness. And her strength. I am so proud of her. For continuing to fight for a worthy cause. Even those around her won’t hear her. I love this about her. And I love the fact I have had an opportunity to revisit the rawness of her heartache, as crazy as that might sound. I love the fact that I have me, now, to sit with her, feel her rage, feel what she has been fighting for, for what seems her whole life. It is a mighty privilege to be able to witness her. And to side along her side.
I understand the hope she invested because of the love she felt and I admire that we have chosen to put me first now. To not love me more than them, but prioritise my needs for self-care.
It has been a rocky road this week but the intensity in my tear-ducts that spoke so vociferously NO!!!!!! has lessened from the cascades of salt-water I shed. I feel the breadth in my heart as I arrive to the other side (for now). It beats with deep, rolling gratitude to those who offered gentle words and kindness in my darkness. Today, as I thoroughly enjoy my time so far still in bed, I’m aware of a new inhabitancy in my being. As if I am truly stepping into the driving seat. Connections are firing in my energetic body that first took the form of relief and are now charging with an enlivened-ness. That perhaps come with ownership, perhaps self-ownership. I am with a new inner-command. Or perhaps less new, just stepping into my six-year self’s shoes, rather than abandoning her in a battle of many.
Thank you sweet-child for revealing your plight this week, revealing your torment, for feeling brave enough to LET IT OUT. I hear you.